This May Be a Hidden Source of Resentment Toward Your Spouse

Mental Load = A hidden cause of resentment in your relationship! 

If physical labor is doing the dishes, mental load is realizing they need to be done before guests arrive. In heterosexual relationships, mental load is disproportionately carried by women.

Many men want to help, but without seeing the whole picture, their efforts can miss the mark—leading to frustration on both sides and growing resentment over time. As one woman put it: “I’ve met maybe one man who understood mental load and didn’t care. Most just can’t see it. They weren’t socialized to.”

So how do we fix this?

Start with recognizing that the mental load is real. Then, make it fair. It’s not just about splitting chores—it’s about sharing ownership of tasks and the mental work behind them.  Let’s take the vet, for example.  If your partner is in charge of the vet, they own it fully.  They make the appointment, take the pet, handle any follow ups – no reminders needed. Sure, I can remind my husband Andy that our cat Frederic Junior needs to go to the vet, but the reminding in and of itself is part of the mental load we’re talking about.

At our house, Andy OWNS the yard work.  I don’t even think about it.  He OWNS the bathrooms. He cleans those.  I never have to remind him.  He owns it.  The more things that you and your partner can divvy up OWNING IN FULL, the more supported you’ll likely feel. 

Now, one caveat – it may require you to give up some control.  Maybe your partner doesn’t do the task at hand exactly how you’d do it.  It still counts.  Let it go.

There’s a great documentary about this – watch it with your partner. It’s called “Fair Play” on Hulu.

In addition to hosting The Sean Show on B105.7, Sean Copeland is also a therapist at Evolve Therapy in Greenwood, IN.