Considering a Separation? Use the 80/20 Rule Before Deciding

In this week’s *Tune-Up Tuesday*, I received a heartfelt message from an anonymous texter who’s witnessing a difficult situation in their family. Their daughter and son-in-law are separating, and despite the fact that he’s a great guy—wonderful father, cooks, cleans, and does everything she asks—she says she needs him to be more “emotionally intelligent.” The texter wonders why, with all he does for her, it’s still not enough. They’ve been to therapy, but it seems like there’s always a reason to stop. The texter is struggling with how this affects the family, particularly the grandkids.

1. Be Careful Not to Sacrifice the 80% for the 20%

It sounds like this couple has a solid foundation. The husband is actively involved in family life—he’s present, he’s caring, he’s doing the things we often say we need from a partner. But, as often happens in relationships, there’s a gap. In this case, it seems the wife feels that gap is emotional intelligence. She needs more from him on an emotional level.

One thing that stands out to me is the idea of making sure not to “lose 80% for 20%.” What I mean by this is: We’re all human. No partner can be perfect. No relationship is going to meet *every* need we have, no matter how much we love that person. If the relationship has so much going for it—strong parenting, shared responsibilities, mutual respect—be cautious about sacrificing that for the missing 20%. If the 80% is solid, it’s worth considering whether what’s lacking can be worked on together. Are you willing to throw away what’s already good for what feels like it’s missing? It’s a tough question, and one that deserves careful reflection.

2. Relationships Are About Growth, Not Perfection

If you’re leaving a marriage, you still probably have work to do. Whether you stay with your current partner or go separate ways, that work doesn’t go away. Relationships aren’t perfect—no matter how much therapy you do, there will always be more to work on, and it will often feel like you’re facing setbacks.

But there’s something deeper to consider: Relationships are vehicles for personal growth. They challenge us, push us, and expose our weaknesses—sometimes in ways we didn’t expect. In this case, it sounds like the husband may not have the emotional intelligence that his wife needs, and that’s where the growth opportunity lies. For her, it might mean working through her own expectations, needs, and emotional awareness. For him, it could be about learning how to communicate better or becoming more attuned to his partner’s emotional world. The key is, growth happens with work—together or apart.

And when there are kids involved, as in this situation, it’s even more important to think about the long-term impact. If their father is engaged and actively raising them, that’s something valuable. Kids benefit from having both parents involved, even if things aren’t perfect. In the long run, the healthier the relationship between the parents, the better the foundation for the kids. I hope that’s something your daughter has considered as well.

3. Emotional Intelligence is Not Just About Changing Your Partner

The wife says she needs her husband to be more emotionally intelligent. What does that mean, really? Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, and to recognize and influence the emotions of others. It’s about empathy, self-awareness, and communication.

Here’s the thing: No two people are the same, and emotional intelligence can manifest in different ways. Generally speaking, women tend to be more emotionally expressive and communicative than men—though that’s certainly not a universal rule. But when one partner starts thinking their way is the *only* right way, it can lead to feelings of frustration and judgment. In a relationship, if you begin expecting your partner to mirror your emotional responses or needs, it creates a dynamic of judgment, not connection. That can turn into a barrier to growth rather than a bridge.

If the husband isn’t as emotionally in tune as she’d like, maybe it’s not just about him becoming “better” at emotional intelligence. It could also be about recognizing the differences between them and learning to honor those differences. Relationships aren’t about finding someone who’s just like you, but about learning how to appreciate and adapt to each other’s emotional worlds. It’s a dance, not a demand.

4. A Final Thought: Growth Is Possible, But It’s Not Always Easy

So, to the texter who reached out: I know this is a hard situation. It’s painful to watch a relationship dissolve, especially when you can see the good qualities in both people involved. But it’s important to remember that this isn’t always about one person failing the other. Sometimes, it’s about growth that didn’t happen in the right ways or in the right time.

If you’re in the position of the daughter, it’s important to ask yourself: Am I leaving for something better, or am I leaving to avoid doing the hard work? If you’re the one watching this from the outside, like the texter, it’s okay to support both sides without judgment—just be sure to encourage them to consider all the factors, including the long-term impact on themselves and their children.

In addition to hosting The Sean Show on B105.7, Sean Copeland is a therapist at Evolve Therapy in Greenwood, IN.