The word narcissist is thrown around a lot these days to describe unsavory characters, but there are 2 notable ways parents turn their kids into narcissists.
The first way is never telling them no. When you refuse to give kids consequences or fail to follow through, they lose respect for you. They’re sure to respect you even less once they learn they can control and manipulate you. They’ll then go about life doing that to anyone they can.
I think generation X has raised a lot of narcissists. You were raised by boomers, who were generally harsher in their parenting… so, the generation after them overcorrected by being too soft.
On the flip side, however… parenting that’s too harsh is the other way narcissists are made. If you never consider your child’s feelings or if you can’t help them make sense of their own, then they’ll probably spend much of their life trampling over others because they don’t have well developed empathy or respect.
The American Psychological Association recommends a balanced approach called “Authoritative Parenting.” In that style, parents are nurturing, responsive, and supportive… but they set limits and control children’s behavior by discussing rules and the reasons for them. They listen to a child’s viewpoint, but they don’t always act on it.
Parenting like that takes a lot of work – and I bet that’s why so few do it.
In summary, it’s true what most therapists say – it all goes back to childhood. So, if you’re trying to determine whether or not someone is a narcissist… don’t. Most people don’t like to be diagnosed, but if you just can’t help yourself… start in childhood.
